Lately though, my thoughts of death don't revolve around what would happen to me, but what would happen to Henry, if I died. Actually, what would happen to Henry if both Scott and I died. I know if I was the only one to go, Scott would take great care of our baby, but who would step in if we both died?
I know it's morbid, but it's something I've seriously been thinking about lately. I brought it up with Scott last night and he didn't want to talk about it, but I made him. I feel like its an important conversation to have. If we didn't decide ahead of time who would take care of Henry if something happened to us, what would happen to him? Who would he go to and would it be the person or people we would want raising our son? Would they raise him the way we would and love him as much as we do? What if he ended up with someone we would never want raising him?! These questions just kept running around in my brain and I started to panic. So I had to make Scott talk about it and we had to make a decision before I had a meltdown.
It's easy to come up with a list of people you don't want taking care of your baby. That part was simple. To come up with a list of good candidates is harder. You start looking at your friends and family members and analyzing everything about them. I found myself questioning things about people I most adore and trust in my life. Do they agree with our parenting techniques? Are they financially stable enough? Will they love him as much as we do? Will they honor our memories and tell Henry about us and how much we wanted and loved him? Will they hold him, sing to him and read to him? Will they honor our choice to never spank him or let him cry it out? Will they teach him important life lessons and encourage him to go after his dreams?
The perfect candidate has a lot to live up to in my head. Leaving the love of my life in someone's hands and trusting them to care for him the way I would is terrifying for me to think about. The one thing I always promised myself was that my child would have a stable and loving home and would not ever have to go through what I did as a kid. It's so important to me that Henry grow up always feeling loved and wanted. The person who would take him in my and Scott's absence would have to understand where I've been to know where I want Henry to end up. That brings me to my biggest fear. Will the person who takes Henry have known me and loved me enough to pass on good stories about me to my son?
I'm afraid of him not knowing me and not knowing how much I desperately wanted to be his mother and how much I love him with all my heart. He needs to know, in my absence, that he was the single most perfect thing that I've ever done in my life and being his mother has changed my life for the better in more ways than I can say. He needs to know that every morning when I wake up next to him, I smile when I see his big blue eyes pop open, ready for the day. He should know that, even on days that I'm exhausted, his bedtime routine is something I cherish. Every night I sit in our dark and quiet bedroom, reading him "On the Night You Were Born" and "Goodnight Moon", before singing "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon, and finally nursing him off to sleep. He should know, if something ever happened to me, that our bedtime moments are some of my favorites.
I have a lot of favorite moments with Henry and I want him to know about them. Scott thinks I should write Henry a letter or start a journal, telling him everything about myself and about being his mother. I guess this blog entry is the beginning of that.
I hope when I'm 80 years old I will have a good laugh while telling Henry about how crazy I made myself with my fears. Hopefully Scott and I will be the ones to raise our son and our backups won't ever need to be called. But the panicky planner side of me has to have those backups in place just in case. I think Scott and I chose our backups wisely and once we have it written down legally, I'll feel much better knowing our baby will be taken care of. Now we just have to tell the people we have in mind and hope they are up for it haha!
I think I'll start on that journal for Henry. If I live to a ripe old age then it can be something he can read when he's older so he can know about the early days me of being his mom. If not, then it can be a little piece of me he can always have, even though I'm not with him anymore. He'll always know how much I love him.
"Close your eyes, have no fear, the monsters gone, he's on the run, and your Mommy's here. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy...."
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