One of the biggest things I find challenging as a stay at home mom is my lack of financial independence. I started earning my own money when I was 10, when I became the neighborhood babysitter, and I didn't stop working since then. Before I had Henry, I worked at a cushy hedge fund job, where the pay was good, the benefits were free, and meals were paid for. I could go clothes shopping anytime I wanted. I regularly spent a good amount of money getting my hair professionally styled. I paid my bills and never asked permission to buy anything. We never worried about medical costs because my job provided free coverage. I felt independent, and feeling independent is important to me. Being financially dependent on someone else scares the hell out of me.
Being a stay at home mom means I'm not bringing in any income. For the first time in my adult life I don't have my own money. Henry and I depend on Scott to support us financially. He pays for the rent and all of the bills. He pays for the food and clothes and the baby necessities. If we want to go out for dinner it's on him. I felt weird giving him Christmas gifts this past holiday because it's like he's just buying them for himself. I feel guilty a lot because I don't pay for things. Scott has a lot of pressure on his shoulders, being the one to run a business and support a family. It makes me feel bad when he's stressed out over bills because I feel like its my fault. I'm not helping financially.
Everyone tells me "don't be ridiculous! You work too, it's just at home and you don't get paid!". It's funny because I used to say the same thing to my friends who stay at home, but now I understand how those words don't really make the guilt go away. I find myself trying to make sure the house is clean and the laundry is washed and there are groceries in the fridge to make up for the fact that I don't have a paycheck. It's not like Scott expects these things of me, he knows Henry occupies my whole day, but I feel like I have to contribute in other ways to make up for my lack of money. Like maybe if the house is in order, the health insurance bill won't be as stressful. I know it's kind of silly but it's how I feel.
We both agree that my being at home with Henry is the best choice. Even when the bills are stressful, Scott says he likes that I'm with Henry and that he's not being raised by a stranger. I know what I'm doing, as a stay at home mother is hard work. It's the hardest job I've ever had. I'm raising our son. So why can't I feel like that's enough? Why do I need a paycheck to feel like I'm actually contributing?
Maybe over time I'll get used to the idea of being financially dependent on my spouse, but for now it's a strange position to be in. I know that I am so grateful though to my husband. He works so hard to make sure we have a nice life. I always wanted to be able to stay home with our baby and he makes that happen every day. Henry and I are so lucky to have him. I hope he always knows how grateful and appreciative I am.
Any other Stay At Home Moms feel this way? How do you deal with your guilty feelings?
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