Last week I was watching an episode of the View, where the ladies were discussing the controversial book written by Michael and Debi Pearl called To Train Up A Child. The book, which has sold 670,000 copies, is a how to on disciplining your child using corporal punishment. The authors say that their method of discipline is taken from the bible, using Proverb 13 "He that spareth the rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes", to show that they are doing what God would see fit. They suggest age appropriate "rods", like a 10 to 12 inch long willow branch on a one year old, a 15 inch plastic tube on a 13 year old, and so on. There have been three deaths of children related to the books' method of teaching thus far.
The ladies of the View discussed their opinions on the subject. Barbara is against hitting children, Joy sees a difference between abuse and spanking, and Whoopi defended spanking and thinks there is nothing wrong with it and kids need to be spanked and "popped on the butt" when they are misbehaving. When Whoopi got going, I muted the TV until they were done talking about the subject. I was getting heated and couldn't listen to another word.
The subject of spanking and hitting children in any manner is a hot button topic for me. I am completely against hitting children and see it more of a lesson in violence than a way to teach children how to behave. Its a subject that hits home for me. I grew up in a pretty violent household with a mother who was more than free with her hands toward me and my brother. I escaped her abuse when I was sixteen years old but it took years to heal from it and its still something I deal with all these years later.
Some might say that there is a difference between what I experienced and just a "pop on the butt" here and there. Sure you can make that argument but I would tell you you were wrong. Hitting in any capacity is physical punishment. Calling it something other than hitting doesn't take away from the fact that its a violent act. When a parent hits a child its usually in the heat of the moment and its a reaction caused by anger and frustration. If a parent were to stop, take a breath, and think before raising a hand, would a slap be the first choice in punishment? I'm willing to bet no.
A lot of people were brought up being spanked so they think its OK to continue the trend with their own children. If they were to look at the research done on the side effects of spanking over the last few years though, they might change their minds. The American Academy of Pediatrics does not recommend spanking saying " Corporal punishment is of limited effectiveness and has potentially deleterious side effects." Research shows that children who were spanked, when compared to children who were not, were more likely to become adults who are depressed, use alcohol, have more anger, hit their children and/or spouses, and engage in crime and violence.
Another study done by psychologists showed the negative side effect of slapping a child's hand. Early on children discover their hands and use them to begin to explore the world around them. I've seen it myself lately with my son Henry. Henry is 3 and a half months old and nothing is more fascinating right now than his tiny little hands. Those cute little hands are either in his mouth or trying to grab objects around him, which made me appreciate the results of this study. "Psychologists studied a group of sixteen fourteen-month-olds playing with their mothers. When one group of toddlers tried to grab a forbidden object, they received a slap on the hand; the other group of toddlers did not receive physical punishment. In follow-up studies of these children seven months later, the punished babies were found to be less skilled at exploring their environment." (Dr. Sears)
Spanking a child when he misbehaves might seem like it works in the moment, but its a short term solution. In the long term, the child ends up fearing the parent, anger is promoted within the child, and it teaches that physical punishment is the solution when someone is not acting the way they should. Think about it, does hitting your child to teach him not to hit his sibling make any sense? Think about this, as an adult do you go around smacking other adults who don't act the way they should? I know some people do, but lets be honest, we call them white trash and try not to associate with people like that. If an adult assaults another adult, the "spanker" can be taken down to central booking. Why is it alright to hit a child but not another adult? Is it because they are small, because its in the privacy of the home, because they won't tell on you?
There are many other ways to discipline your child and sometimes it takes trying out different non physical methods to get it right. I simply googled the word spanking and a bunch of links came up promoting healthier ways to discipline children. I haven't been in a situation with Henry yet where I need to begin discipline techniques but I have used "time outs" when I was a nanny and I much prefer that method. Turn on an episode of Supernanny and you can see how well her techniques work and not once is a hand risen to a child. Spanking not only negatively affects the child but also the parent. It can't make a parent feel good to resort to physical punishment. Finding a healthy method of discipline that teaches the child a preferred behavior is going to make everyone happier.
Growing up I was afraid of my mother. I don't remember the lessons or why I was even hit, but at age 33 I still have terrifying flashbacks of being smacked around. The spanking was supposed to make me understand how to behave, but what I actually learned was aggression, anger, and fear. Of course she was just doing what she was taught by her mother and what my grandmother was taught by her father and so on. When I was a child I used to pray to god that I not be like my mother. When I became an adult and was considering having children of my own, I would talk to my therapist about my fear of being like her. I vowed not to make the same mistakes with my own son. I want to be the one to break the chain of abuse in my family. Sometimes I still get scared that I will lose control and need a reminder from my husband that I'm not my mother and won't become like her. Its a healing process and one that will most likely continue for the rest of my life.
Before you raise your hand to your child try to take a breath. When you're feeling frustrated, take a time out for yourself. Parents need time outs too. When you come back, clear headed, it might be easier to figure out a better way to deal with the situation; one that will benefit your child and yourself.
The word discipline means "to teach". What are you teaching your child when you raise your hand to him?
For more information, here are some links that I read while preparing this blog:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx?nfstatus=401&nftoken=00000000-0000-0000-0000-000000000000&nfstatusdescription=ERROR%3a+No+local+token
http://articles.cnn.com/2011-11-11/opinion/opinion_toth-abuse_1_corporal-punishment-child-abuse-parents?_s=PM:OPINION
http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/11/12/god-wants-us-to-hit-our-children/
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