Nana

The summer of my 16th year I ran away from home. I used to run away a lot, usually just for a couple of hours. My brother started me on this trend. He used to run away and hide in our neighborhood for a couple of hours and then come home when he felt he was safe. One night I went with him and I remember hopping over our neighbors fences, quietly running through their darkened yards, hoping not to be seen. We crouched behind a neighbors shed for a while. We walked around at night until my brother deemed it safe to go home. Normally though, my brother ran away alone. Our mother started locking him out when he did this but our back door was near my bedroom and he would knock and I would let him in after she'd gone to bed. I hated when he ran away without me because all the anger that my mother felt toward my brother got redirected at me, just because I was there. My brother got older and started going out with his friends a lot and I was left in our abusive home without him.

That's when I started running away alone. I always went back eventually and took my punishment, but then one night I didn't. One night I went back and saw my mother through the living room window, watching tv and eating her dinner, as if nothing had happened. I don't remember what the fight was about that drove me to run out that night but the fights toward the end were really bad and really physical. When I saw her sitting there, relaxing on the couch, I thought "why isn't she looking for me? Why isn't she worried? I'm 16 years old walking around at night alone.". Then the realization finally came to me, "this is never going to change.". Looking at her through the window made me see that I couldn't ever go back.

I didn't know where I was going to go or what I was supposed to do. I walked around our streets some more and a neighborhood mom saw me. She's the one who drove me to my Nana and Papa's house. I knocked on the door that night, not having a thing with me, and just said, "I ran away from home and I can't go back." and I cried. My Nana took me in and let me know that everything would be ok. No one knew about the abuse going on for years at my house. That night I told Nana and Papa about our dark secret. They made sure I never had to be in that situation ever again.

I had a year left of high school and was about to begin my senior year. My grandparents decided that I could stay with them and finish high school so I wouldn't have to leave the only town I had ever known. They could have sent me off to my father. They didn't have to take in a messed up teenager but they did. Before long I was moved out of my mothers house and settled into Nana and Papa's. I was safe and my life started improving. With the elimination of abuse, my depression and anxiety lessened. I brought my C and D grades up to A's and B's. I opened up to my classmates and they all said "where have you been the last three years?!". I got a great part in the school musical that year and I won three ribbons in the art fair. I held down a part time job and Papa taught me how to save my money by bringing me to a bank and opening up my own savings account. My childhood account was frequently drained by my mother, as well as the hiding spots for my babysitting money in my bedroom. Having control over my own money was empowering. I kept up with my dance classes and even entered the annual talent pageant, something I always wanted to do. I had friends and lived like a normal teenager. I got into trouble here and there, testing limits and curfews, but no one ever hit me or berated me again. It was a good year. It was the year that changed my life and put me on a different path.

No one is perfect and I definitely messed up in the years that followed. I still had a lot of healing to do and a lot of mistakes to learn from. But I got through it and today I love my life. I feel blessed every time I look into my sons eyes and every time my husband kisses me. I'm the mom to my son that I always wanted to be. I was able to break a cycle of abuse and be better for myself and for him. I don't know if all of this would have been possible if not for my Nana and Papa opening their door that night and letting me in. I will be grateful to them for the rest of my life.

Nana, wherever you are right now I hope you know how much I love you and how truly grateful I am for all that you did for me. I hope that you are happy and in peace, able to walk and breathe freely, able to go anywhere you please. I hope you feel how much I love you and know you will always be in my heart and you will never be forgotten.

Rest in peace Nana.